Upsell this

Aside

I’ve had a migraine since Friday. I blame the quitting smoking thing. Almost a week in though! As a result, I’ve only left my house once during this three-day weekend, and that was to go to Barnes and Noble.

I recently started reading the Hunger Games trilogy and I had just finished the second book and it ended on this epic cliffhanger that made me frantically go to Amazon.com just so I could read the first seven pages of the next book via the book preview feature to hold me over until the next morning when a bookstore would be open.

So I get to Barnes and Noble and I can’t find the book because whenever there is a book that is remotely popular, the good people of Barnes and Noble take it out of its logical alphabetical order position and hide it in an aisle display somewhere in the store.

And then I have this conversation with the checkout guy:

Checkout guy: Are you a member of our rewards program?
Me: No, thank you.
Checkout guy: Do you know about our rewards program?
Me: I’m not interested, but thank you.
Checkout guy: Would you like to buy some gift cards? Graduation is coming up. And mothers day. I mean, fathers day.
Me: No, thank you.
Checkout guy: Would you like to sign up for our email newsletter?
Me: No, thank you.
Checkout guy: But we send out special offers and valuable coupons.
Me: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? NO. I AM JUST HERE TO BUY THE STORY OF KATNISS EVERDEEN AND HER GODDAMN BOW AND ARROW AND POST-APOCALYPTIC SOCIETY AND SHIT. FOR EVERY THING BESIDES THIS BOOK THAT YOU TRY TO SELL ME, I KILL YOU.

(Really, I said “No, thank you” again.)

Honestly by the third “upsell” attempt I couldn’t decide if I wanted to laugh at his commitment or punch him in the face. Next time, I’ll just buy the damn book on Amazon. At least when they try to upsell me I can click the “skip” button. And I don’t have to put on pants.

Snapstagram brings Instagram photos to your doorstep

I love Instagram. While I’ve always admired photographers, they just seem to have something I don’t… oh yeah, talent.

Instagram – while it doesn’t give me talent and certainly doesn’t make me a “photographer” – is a fun way for me to take pictures, apply some lens blur and filters, and make something that looks cool (to me.)

The problem is that I also love hard copies of photos. And while it’s easy to use a service like Snapfish to get print copies of photos I’ve taken with a point-and-shoot or even the regular iPhone camera app, it’s NOT so easy if I took the photo in Instagram, because Instagram takes square photos and, well, most photo processing places print rectangular photos. And I’m not patient or coordinated enough to use scissors.

Enter: Snapstagram.

Snapstagram was actually launched as a Columbus-based Kickstarter project – one that surpassed its funding goal of $3,000 by more than $11,000.

It’s just $6 to get 12 4×4 prints of your Instagram photos shipped to your doorstep (within the US). Canada is an extra $4, international an extra $8.

Yes, there are other sites that will print Instagram photos, but they’ll put them on a big canvas, or stickers, or business cards, or an iPhone case, or in a book, or a pack of magnets, or a postcard, or in a bamboo shadowbox, or in a boat, or with a goat, or in the rain, or on a train, or in a box, or with a fox.

I like photo albums and picture frames, so none of that shit really helps me.

Prinstagram will get you regular ol’ prints, but they make you order a full 48 pictures – which is, like, half of my entire Instagram stream – and they print them on a white matte to look like Polaroids, which isn’t the look I want. (It’s $18 for the 48 prints with U.S. shipping.)

Snapstagram keeps it simple with their “just prints” tagline.

I was one of the Kickstarter backers of Snapstagram, so my $5 in funding earned me a credit for a free roll.

Placing the order was easy. After authenticating with Instagram, all of my photos were displayed in a grid, with a drag and drop interface to select the 12 I wanted to print. No uploading needed. I found that I didn’t have as many photos on Instagram I wanted to print as I would have imagined – probably because I hadn’t been taking pictures with plans of printing them. Now I’m plotting Instagram art projects to adorn my condo walls.

Two days later, this showed up at my office:

The only mail I get is people telling me I owe them money (bills) or people trying to convince me to give them money (ads), so it really is a treat to get anything else in the mail.

My dozen prints turned out great. Here’s an Instagram photo of my Instagram photos. Meta.

Follow me on Instagram if you want – I’m CherylHarrison.

The evil monkeys took over my blog

I haven’t written here for a while, but it’s not for lack of wanting to – the blog was just completely borked.

I’m not technical enough to fully understand why, so while I know it had something to do with the host server and some bad code, I prefer to think that beingcheryl.com was hijackedby a pack of evil monkeys who were using it in their plot to take over the world, a plot which was probably not very good since less than one percent of one percent of one percent of just the population of Ohio even knows about this blog, and I don’t really see how a blog where I talk how I once fake being possessed or spent eight hours in Juvie can really further their cause, but hey, they were only genetically enhanced to be EVIL monkeys, not evil GENIUS monkeys, so it’s not really their fault.

Fortunately for me, my friend and web designer Seth Lilly of Inceptiv (who also did the Drink Up Columbus design) happens to be an evil monkey slayer.

(I’ve been watching a lot of Buffy lately. I’ve also gotten REALLY GOOD AT PHOTOSHOP.)

So now I am able to post again! Here’s what you missed during the monkeys’ reign:

Check back for the finished redesign in a week or so, plus some cool posts I’ve got in the pipeline – reviews of awesome products and services, community management tips, “deep” thoughts and, of course, embarassing stories about me that I probably shouldn’t post on the Internet.

On second thought, just subscribe and then you won’t have to “check back” because your inbox or RSS reader will just tell you to.

The Guy Who Wanted to Sue Me For a Five Star Yelp Review, part 2

Remember this story?

It continues.

I’m still not going to write the name of the business, because, once again, my intentiontion was never to hurt the business, which is why I did not publish the salon name in the last post. (Which, with the tens of thousands of views it got, would have easily outranked the famous Yelp review on Google.) I was happy to just let this rest.

But he had to try again. And it’s just too funny not to share. I look forward to getting slapped with another fake lawsuit for this post.

So I got this message on Yelp yesterday from Paula M:

Hi Cheryl,
I am writing you because I didn’t realize my residence was on yelp, and I was wondering why people have shown up at our door for haircuts. I asked the girl tonight where she found out about my address, and she said it was on yelp. I didn’t realize somebody was leasing my new place as a hair salon prior. I just moved in about 3 months ago, and there have been 2 people ringing my doorbell and asking if there is still a salon here. I said, “I’m sorry, but this is a residence”. They looked at me like I was crazy. So I just did some research tonight on the computer (I am not computer savvy at all..lol), and saw your had a review about the former place. There is no place to call yelp about this issue, and was wondering if you knew how to delete the information or what I can do. I apologize for the trouble. I am inquiring about [BUSINESS NAME REDACTED] at [BUSINESS ADDRESS REDACTED] I am not sure if I need to check back on here or if your response goes to my email. Anyways…my email is paulajmurphy1960@gmail… Can you please let me know what to do. Thank you-Paula

I started laughing at this point, because there was barely a .2% chance this was a legitimate person and not just this guy trying to get me to delete this review. I mean, this “not computer savvy” lady takes the time to fill out a full – and hilarious – Yelp profile.

SHE LOVES KNITTING AND JEOPARDY! Oh boy.

I’m also pretty positive if you do a Google image search of some variation of “fifty year old woman,” she’d be on the front page of results.

(UPDATE: @sarahisastalker has informed me that she is located on mobile page 13 for the query “middle aged woman”)

(UPDATE 2: @amyrosebrown has discovered that “Paula M.” is actually bestselling author Kris Radish.

So I decided to investigate. Obviously.

I have a fake Facebook account. I’ve had it for almost four years now. I created it so I could get the 25th “Like” on a business page I was administering to set a vanity URL. I forgot it existed until I had a brief and shameful Sims Social phase where I used it to cheat. I never send messages from the account – but since the profile picture is of an attractive young girl (some random blonde I found on Google), I’ve got a LOT of creepy messages from other users. Some of them I personally know (and know are married.) But I digress.

I sent the stylist a message from the fake account after I got the Yelp message. I asked was where the salon was located, because I was interested in getting a haircut. I got a quick and friendly reply – he gave me the address, directions, and a phone number so I could schedule an appointment.

Well wouldn’t you know. It’s at the same address.

Apparently my friend Paula from Yelp has a roommate.

UPDATE: Paula M has changed her name to Julie W and no longer likes knitting or Casablanca. Damn.

Leap Day Links

I get really excited about random not-holidays, like Pi Day and 11/11/11. I don’t remember caring about the last leap year, or the one before that, or the one before that, or the one before that, or the one before that, and I wasn’t alive before that, so it seems probable that I didn’t care then, either. But I care now for some reason, and I’ve been looking forward to this day since someone told me two days ago that it was a leap year.

So with that, I wanted to share some of my favorite Leapstuff I’ve run across:

• 30 Rock had an entire episode about Leap Day that aired last week, taking it to Festivus levels of inventing a holiday equipped with a color scheme, traditional foods and a mythical mascot who gives candy in exchange for children’s tears.

• 11 Things has a list of random facts about leap day (11 of them, shockingly.) For example, Leap Day is not every four years – it is every four years unless the year in question is perfectly divisible by 100 but NOT perfectly divisible by 400. Um, what?

• The Daily What posted this awesome scientific explanation of Leap Year.

• The Daily What ALSO posted this not-as-scientific video of a girl who is very confused, and angry, about the existence of Leap Year

• A comic from Savage Chickens – I petition we move Leap Day to June

• Today’s Google Doodle combines leap day with the nineteenth century Italian composer who claims it as his birthday.

Got any fun leap day links? Share them in the comments.

(Also, I’ll try to post again before the next leap year.)

I bought a new car! Farewell, squirrel-infested Cavalier

I bought a car! (Though according to my friend John, I won it in an Apples to Apples tournament.) The Cavalier – yes, the one that once had a family of squirrels take up residence – finally died. It’s just sitting in front of my house for now – I haven’t yet found a replacement family of squirrels to call it home. Also, I kind of like the redneck feng shui of an abandoned rusted car in front of my house. What can I say, I was born in West Virginia.

SO BACK TO THE “I BOUGHT A CAR!” PART! IT’S A 2009 CIVIC EX-L! IT HAS LEATHER! AND A SUNROOF! AND BUTT WARMERS!

I think my favorite part of the car is the split-level digital dash, or the built-in iPod connection (the Cavalier only had a broken tape player), or the fact that when I hit the brakes I’m confident for the first time in many years that my car will actually stop. Who am I kidding – it’s the butt warmers.

I got a new insurance policy with the car through Progressive. They sold me with the “Snapshot Discount” program. Basically, you plug a device into your car, and it tells the insurance company about your driving behavior, and you get a discount unless you drive like a douche or frequently at 2am.

I got home last night and found that my Snapshot Doohicky® (trademark mine, not theirs) had arrived! I excitedly ripped open the package and woke my husband up off the couch to insist we install said Doohicky®. He rolled over and went back to sleep. I drank a beer or two or three.

Eventually I noticed that the Doohicky® came packaged with a cute little diagram showing me all the easy places my diagnostics port might be. Drunk momentum rising, I decided to stumble outside in the freezing cold and pitch dark and search for the port. But with the above diagram in hand and lots of poking around in spots 1, 2, 3 and 4… I found nothing.

Not one to be defeated, I decided to check the Progressive website for the port location in my specific car, and maybe have another beer. Looking at it now, the photo I found was obviously the underbelly of my steering column, which I’ve obviously never seen before since I don’t often crawl around by my gas pedal. However, in the moment I thought: HOLY CRAP. LOOK AT ALL THOSE WIRES. I DIDN’T SEE ANY WIRES! I MUST EXPOSE WIRES!

At this point I went back to my car, convinced I needed to rip panels off to find this thing. Fortunately, the panels are attached pretty well and I was unable to succeed in tearing apart my new car. Dejected, I went to bed.

I woke up this morning and tried to start my car.

Nothing.

Because my drunk ass left the interior lights on when I was trying to rip out panels to install Doohicky®.

Le sigh.

While I waited for a savior to jump my car, I glanced under the steering wheel to look for the diagnostics port.

It was just laying there, exposed, definitely NOT behind bolted-on panels, mocking me.

Anyway now I’m obsessed with tracking my trips. And now I know that my office isn’t really a mile and a half from my house. It is 1.83 miles from my house.

I can also see how fast I was going. Either I hit a few redlights or I need to discover cruise control.

Isn’t technology fun?

Lessons learned from some douchebag on Yelp

In April 2010, I had a really bizarre experience. I was at a local pub (RIP O’Shaughnessy’s) with a friend. We were enjoying a pint on the patio when a stranger came over and asked us something random and hilarious. Entertained, we invited him to join us. After another pint, he straightforwardly pointed out that my roots were growing out and I desperately needed my hair colored. Which I knew. This was when he told me he was a hairstylist with his own newly-opened salon in Central Ohio that he was looking to promote. This was when I told HIM that I was someone who likes to help promote new local businesses online. This was when HE offered to take me, straightaway, to his newly opened studio and fix my hair, and asked me to spread the word if I was happy with the experience. I accepted. I mean, who gets the chance for 9pm hair appointments?!

This was the review that I posted shortly thereafter to Yelp. I removed the business name here, but I haven’t deleted the review from Yelp.

Rating: 5 Stars

Review:

I had a few too many beers at the bar after work. I was chatting with this guy and he very forwardly offered up that he had what I needed back at his house. Against my better judgment, I went back with him. I walked into his place & he handed me another beer, we smoked a cigarette, and then he sat me down and gave me EXACTLY what I desperately needed…

A cut and color!

Seriously, who picks up a hair stylist at the bar and – at 8pm on a Tuesday after you’ve BOTH been drinking for a loooonggg time – goes to said strangers house for some root touchup? THIS GIRL.

*NAME REMOVED*s salon is a fab space. I expected a basement corner or something – I had no idea what I was getting myself into, see: beer. But NO! A legit studio in an old Victorian duplex in Olde Town East with teal, orange and tope striped walls. Chic. I posted a couple photos.

We listened and danced to Lady Gaga and Cher, took frequent smoke breaks and crushed a six pack. In between all that, somehow, he perfectly matched the color of my hair to my roots, flat-ironed The Beast and gave me a terrific cut.

*NAME REMOVED* himself – hilarious. Snarky. Blunt. My kinda guy.

This posh private experience will set you back $85+. Totally. Worth. It. Call *NAME REVIEWED* and make an appointment immediately!

Yelpers marked the review Useful (6), Funny (8), Cool (5), a fair amount of feedback on Yelp standards. I got a few compliments for it. I added it to a list called “Superb Services” with the best service providers in the city. I think a few people actually made appointments with him because of it. I never went back to him, because I texted him once to inquire about an appointment and he didn’t respond, and I hate calling people. So I moved on.

I had almost forgotten the experience. Until I got this message today:

Hi Cheryl, this is *NAME REMOVED*. I came across your review for my salon (*SALON NAME REMOVED*), and my clients and I are a bit enraged by how you have deferred my reputation. Please be prompt to delete the defermating review, or legal action will be taken. Thank You, *NAME REMOVED*

lolwhat? I wrote you a 5-star review. A long ass time ago. Which you ASKED ME TO WRITE. And which, had I been asked politely, I would have removed without hesitation.

We’ll let it slide that he said “deferred” instead of “defamed.” He followed this up by writing his own review of his business (which Yelp will delete shortly – it’s against their Terms of Service.)

Hi, this is *NAME REMOVED*. I just found out a false review has been written about my salon. I do not know this Cheryl H. woman. I never did her hair, she never same to the salon, and I never “offered” to do her hair. I would not do someone’s hair who was under the influence. I also don’t approach people to do their hair, I usually do referrals. She may have got my photos from my myspace,facebook page, and/or my website and posted these on Yelp. If you want reviews and info, please go to *URL REMOVED*.

Thank you and sorry for this confusion.

The “photos I stole from Facebook” were taken on my cell phone. I have another photo of me IN the studio, with him, somewhere. I hope to find it soon and mail him a print. (UPDATE: See below.)

Either he was so black-out drunk that he does not remember this, or he decided that the way he presented his business to me the first time was no longer how he wished to be viewed by clients and prospects. I stopped laughing long enough at the situation to share a few lessons learned:

1) Monitor the internet continually for your brand.

The fact that it took him over a year and a half to see a review of his business that is ranking #1 for his business name and posted on arguably the most popular review site in existence is astounding to me. There is no business with the same name, so there’s no excuse for missing this. Set up a Google Alert RIGHT NOW for your business name. Monitor review sites for your business. There’s no reason for not knowing what people are saying about you in real-time.

2) If you’re going to ask people to review your business online, you have to accept that you can’t control what they write.

This was a review I was ASKED by the salon owner to write. Obviously I wasn’t obligated to write it, but I wanted to promote good work. I wrote a tremendously positive review of his abilities, adding in my usual snarky style about the atypical experience I had. What did you expect me to do? Lie, and say I made an appointment with you through normal means and everything was sober and regular? If you didn’t want me to share the experience, you shouldn’t have explicitly asked me to several times, or you should have kindly requested that I omit some details. I reviewed MY experience, which was, you know, tipsy.

3) Be consistent in how you present your brand to people.

The first experience a customer has with you is the one they are always going to remember. And the one they are going to tell people about. Don’t do something you don’t want shared, and it won’t be shared. If you don’t want people saying you color hair when you’re inebriated, don’t color hair when you’re inebriated.

4) Don’t threaten to sue people who are advocating you

No explanation necessary.

UPDATE: I found a photo on, funny enough, my Yelp profile of me in the salon. I have placed it next to the photo I “stole from online.” But hey, I probably photoshopped the background in for the sake on sticking to my lie, right?

cheryl-salon-yelp-douchebag

3 More Things You Didn’t Know About Cheryl Harrison Version 20

I know, I know, I’m just as amazed as you to see that there is a new 3 Things video.

But my friend The Naked Redhead called the series out today and I broke out in a cold sweat because all of a sudden millions of people were going to come to this site to find an ABANDONED VIDEO SERIES AND THEN THEY WERE GOING TO SHOW UP AT MY HOUSE WITH PITCHFORKS AND DEMAND MY HEAD ON A GOLD PLATE BECAUSE SILVER ISN’T AS VALUABLE IN THE CURRENT ECONOMIC CLIMATE AND THEY WANT A GOOD RE-SALE VALUE FOR THE PLATE AFTER MY HEAD STARTS TO DECAY.

Or something like that.

And yes, this is technically episode 20, because the last one, albeit a… slightly different… format than usual (a medication-induced disaster) still counts.

Enjoy.

Peep past episodes here.

P.S. Tweet a thousand “Happy birthday” messages to my husband, @DemetriusHall

P.P.S. Join me at Woodland’s Tavern to celebrate IPA Day with Drink Up Columbus and Cbusr tonight

Work harder

I see a lot of people complaining about other people who get more opportunities than they do.

“Why did THAT blogger get the free stuff from the PR company?”
“Why was HE asked to speak at the conference?”
“Why do THEY always get to go to the private parties?”
“Why does SHE have so many followers on Twitter?”
“Why does the media always focus on HIM?”
“Why didn’t I get the promotion?”

Bitchityblabbityboo.

Listen.

The thing THOSE people have in common is that they work harder than you. They put more time into it than you. They go to more stuff than you. They write more blog posts. They build their online and offline networks. They might not be smarter than you, but they’re sure as hell going to continue to be more successful than you.

Stop complaining about people who are more successful than you because they work harder. Just work harder.