beingCheryl

i am a good idea.

So I found $2,000 worth of gift cards in the driveway

On Saturday night, Scott and I spotted something shiny at the edge of his driveway.

It turned out to be a small lunchbox emblazoned with the family from the short-lived 60s TV sitcom The Munsters. It also turned out it had been run over by several cars, a mashed metal homage to Mockingbird Heights.

munsters lunchbox

Visible inside the broken box was a stack cards, which I speculated were baseball cards, or Pokemon cards, or whatever-the-hell-kids-in-2014-collect cards. Justin Bieber cards? Is he still a thing?

We pried the container open, curious about the collection and hoping to find something identifying the child who lost it so we could return it. Instead we found, not baseball cards, but gift cards.

Hundreds.

gift cards

After picking through the pile of plastic and failing to find an ID or anything with a name on it, I started to suspect that the cards were valueless, because a) who the hell carries a hundred gift cards around with them? and b) when I was young I would often steal unactivated gift cards from stores to fill the credit card slots of my completely unnecessary wallet, because… because? I don’t know why, shut up, I don’t judge your stupid childhood habits.

(I’m not sure if taking worthless pieces of plastic from a store actually counts as “stealing”, but the statue of limitations on that one for me is definitely up regardless. You’re never gonna catch me, coppas.)

I took a few of the cards to the computer to enter the numbers and confirm the suspected lack of balance. Except:

Home Depot: $50
Bed Bath and Beyond: $25
Chipotle: $10
Best Buy: $100

…shit.

By my estimate there were over $2,000 in gift cards stashed behind the smiling faces of Lily and Herman Munster, and at this point, I started freaking out.

Because clearly we had just stumbled upon some illicit drug money gift cards and the criminal mastermind who so carefully traded in Subway currency for cocaine was about to come and kill us, or else we were on a hidden camera show and if we returned the cards to their owner we would win a million dollar prize for passing the test except the producer for the TV show had forgot to include contact information.

(Both were scenarios I seriously considered. And verbalized. My boyfriend is a tolerant man.)

I had a panic attack for the next two hours while I stacked, un-stacked and re-stacked the gift cards on the table. Graeters. Noodles and Company. Subway. Whole Foods. Olive Garden. Starbucks. Red Robin. Target. Pizza Hut. Home Depot. Tim Hortons. Bob Evans. Chipotle. Best Buy. Panera. Etc.

During one of my frantic sorting sessions, I found a piece of paper that had been stuck between two of the cards.

A receipt, with a customer name and address.

And that is the moment where I always assumed I’d be a good person and immediately track down the rightful owner and return their property. Only hours before we found Mr. Munster I had watched this video where some kids found $40,000 in cash in a couch and returned it all to its rightful owner without hesitation.

But they probably hesitated. It just doesn’t make you sound like a very good person to admit that you hesitated.

I hesitated.

Then I double hesitated because maybe that TV show giveaway for a million dollars KNEW I had watched the couch cash video earlier that day, and THAT was how I had been selected as the next contestant on the new hit reality show “Are You a Shitty Person Or Not?”, and I needed to pretend I wasn’t hesitating or I might not get the prize.

OK, these fucking gift cards were making me crazy. And also I’d like to think I’m not a shitty person.

I looked up the name of the woman from the receipt on Facebook, and sent her a message, and found out that the back of her car had been open for several blocks before she noticed, and she lost hundreds of dollars of pet medication and god knows what else and “OMG THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!!!”

The owner of the gift cards stopped by the following afternoon to pick up her property before heading to her volunteer shift at the zoo. (She actually seemed more sad about the damaged lunch box than she was relieved about the gift cards.) She gave me a big hug.

I have stopped picturing the pillows from Bed Bath and Beyond and the cabinet fixtures from Home Depot I was going to buy with said gift cards, not to mention all that glorious guacamole from Chipotle.

But just in case I was on a reality show and there’s a million dollars waiting for me to claim, you can reach me at cheryl[at]beingcheryl.com

7 Responses to “So I found $2,000 worth of gift cards in the driveway”

  1. nattiebee says:

    I would have been a shitty person and maybe pilfered a few Target giftcards.

  2. Cheryl Harrison says:

    it was pretty fucking tempting.

  3. dave225 says:

    The world is a better place with almost-shitty-but-turns-out-they’re-not-shitty people in it. Wish I had a hidden camera show budget to reward you ..

  4. Bri says:

    Loved this.

  5. […] Being Cheryl: That awkward moment when you have to choose between free burritos and bath towels, or doing the righ… […]

  6. This is a great story and life lesson. I know I would have hesitated too. The life lesson, not sure what that is, but I am sure being a good person has something to do with it. :)

  7. Cheryl says:

    haha yeah i guess. but man. all that chipotle…

Leave a Reply