Being Cheryl: Columbus Social Media and Random Humor

I really wanted to record a “3 Things” video for Christmas, as the gift that you all have REALLY wanted to find under your tree in your Inbox, but as those of you who follow me on Twitter know, I have been fighting Deathpocalypse Plague 2010 since Monday evening and, well, talking hurts.

SO I proudly present the first-ever written word 3 Things You Didn’t Know About Me That You Didn’t Know You Wanted to Know About Me, Christmas Edition!

Thing #1: How I discovered that there was no Santa Claus

My parents got divorced when I was 4 or 5 years old, and after that we alternated the holidays, my mom getting my sister and me for Christmas Eve/Christmas morning, and our father getting us the rest of Christmas day. Vice versa the next year. You get how alternating works, right?

When we would stay at our father’s house on Christmas Eve, the Christmas Elf would leave us new PJ’s on our beds when we went to church. We would wake up Christmas Morning to find stockings on the foot of our beds. Downstairs, presents galore! And then when we went to mom’s house… more presents from Santa!

When we would stay at our mom’s house on Christmas Eve, we would go to church and come back to nothing from this alleged Christmas Elf, but mom would let us open one present from her. We would wake up to stockings hung from the post of our beds. And downstairs, presents galore. And when we went to father’s house… more… presents from Santa?

Ok, so my brilliant little mind might not have fully developed by age 6, but

a) why the hell was Santa leaving me presents at two different houses when he clearly knew I was at the first house? Where ELSE is he leaving me presents that I don’t know about? Huh? HUH?!
and
b) Why the hell did Santa vary his routine depending on where I was sleeping, albeit slightly? My mom’s house wasn’t good enough for the Christmas Elf to visit? My father’s bedposts weren’t stable enough to hang stockings from?

Using this logic, I ruined Christmas for most of my 3rd grade class.

Thing #2: The Best Christmas Present I Got as a Child

SNES! And while a lot of spoiled kids would continue to get new gaming systems for Christmas’ to come, the Super Nintendo Entertainment System was the only gaming system besides a busted Atari to grace my house from the age of 5 til I moved out at 17. (Though, at age 20, I became the proud owner of a Nintendo 64, over a decade late.)

We owned a handful of games, like the still-greatest-Mario Kart (Rainbow Road without walls FTW!) but we would go rent the same damn games from the video store every weekend, and subsequently, in 10 years of game rental totaling the cost of buying the games thrice over, my sister and I never managed to beat Aladdin, The Simpsons: Barts Revenge, or the very last world of Super Mario 3. Additionally, my sister was a very, errrr, not-graceful gamer, against whom to this day I will still not invite a “friendly” game of… anything.

Thing #3: I Forget How To Wrap Presents

Once upon a time, I was good at this stuff. Or maybe I was just 12 and my definition of “good” was a little more flexible. Either way, I used to be able to wrap presents that, at the very least, didn’t have chunks of paper protruding from random angles or require an entire roll of scotch tape for a single DVD. But no more.

I guess it happened about 3 years ago. I must have been abducted by aliens in my sleep who really wanted to know how you make ribbon curl using a knife, because when I awoke one December morning to wrap presents, I couldn’t even figure out how to get the plastic wrap off the paper. And then when I managed to unroll it… my ability to estimate the length of paper required to cover an object was completely gone. And once I had wasted half a roll and succeeded in an appropriate length of paper… the folding/cutting/taping/kicking/crying steps all got jumbled together and I came out with… well, I bought a gift bag.

Sadly, this affliction continues to this day.

Now quit reading my blog and go hug your family. Merry Christmas! And “Happy long weekend” for the rest of you.