Being Cheryl: Columbus Social Media and Random Humor

Every morning I walk into my office and hear the same people recycle the same scripted phrases as though they are required by corporate policies to check their brain in when they walk through the door and can only retrieve it at promptly 5:30 p.m when they walk out the door. It’s not just here, though, it’s really every office I’ve ever been in. Apparently, in corporate America you’re given a new vocabulary and set of personality traits you’re supposed to take on during business hours. Well, lolCheryl isn’t particularly found of office culture and has decided to rant about some of the most irritating of these phrases.

homicide: ur doin it wrong

“A case of the Mondays:” I’d much rather you tell me that you’re hungover or, more likely, you just hate your job and are miserable to have to repeat the 40-hour work cycle one more time, because it sounds more spirited and less like an STD.

“Another day, another dollar:” Really? I mean, yeah, I imagine earning “another dollar” is the reason we ALL show up for work “another day” but I honestly have no idea why anyone would ever feel inclined to point this out as though it was an interesting statement.

“I’m ready to call it a day:” What you really meant is that you don’t want to be here. Newsflash: No one really does. Get over it.

“Have a good one:” This is supposed to be synonymous with “Have a good day/evening/etc” but, well, it isn’t. What kind of “one” am I supposed to have? ‘Cause I can think of some “one”‘s that would make that sexual harassment? I’m suing. I don’t know why this one bugs me so much, honestly, but it does.

ANYTHING about “the weather.” I don’t want your predictions, your personal reactions or a replay of the forecast you saw on the news this morning. If I do, I’ll ask, but more than likely I’ve already checked the weather forecast and your take on the humidity isn’t any more interesting than mine. Can we talk about music or something less obvious?

“Touch Base” That just sounds filthy. You didn’t think it did until I just said it either, did you? Next time your boss asks you to come to his office to “touch base” you’re going to have HR waiting outside to slap that perv with a sexual harassment case. And besides, what you really mean is that you don’t trust me to do the job without you “touching base” on my progress frequently.

“There’s No ‘I’ in ‘Team’” No shit there’s no “I” in team, are you 7… and a little slow for 7 at that? And “I” can get a hell of a lot more done working by myself than working with people who think “There’s No ‘I’ in ‘Team’” is a motivating phrase.

“Think Outside the Box” Quite the challenging proposition when you’re stuck inside a cubicle all day. I mean, I can think about the beach, or murdering you for being a buzzword-invoking douchebag, but that’s not going to solve the problem at hand. Just tell me to be more original, I’ll appreciate it a lot more.

“Get on the same page” – Um, I’m a speed-reader… don’t drag me down to your level. I’m 10 pages ahead of you and I don’t have time to wait for you to catch up because Snape just killed Dumbledore, damnit! MUST READ ON. Anyway, what you’re really saying is that I’m wrong and you’re right. And I think you’re wrong.