When I was 16, I started dating a guy who had just turned 25.
We saw each other from across the coffee shop in a disgustingly adorable Zach Braf movie kinda way. We spent hours chatting about books and politics and movies. What we did not discuss was each other’s respective ages. I introduced myself as a freshman in college, and he assumed I was 19. I knew he was out of school, and I assumed he was 23. We were both quite smitten before we discovered our respective fallacies and it didn’t phase us at that point.
I didn’t think my mom would feel the same way.
See, a few years prior I had been 13 dating a fella who was 18, as you might recall from a 3 Things episode. She had been less than accepting of the age difference in that instance, so I assumed the same judgment would be applied to this situation. So once again, I entered into a “secret” relationship. When he and I would go out, I would advise her that I was going out with my friend Brandy. I would spend holidays “with Brandy.” Entire weekends “with Brandy.”
After a few months spending all my free time “with Brandy,” my mom reached the conclusion that I was actually WITH Brandy.
My assumption of my mom’s perception of my relationship with Brandy:
My mom’s perception of my relationship with Brandy:
See, my mom is a very loving, compassionate and accepting person – but homosexuality falls outside of the bounds of her religious beliefs. So when she “discovered” that her own daughter was “in a gay relationship,” she wasn’t sure how to address it.
But I didn’t know that this internal struggle was going on inside my poor mom’s mind for a while. I was too busy “spending time with Brandy” to pay attention. One day, I went into my mom’s room to borrow some perfume and spotted a book under her bedside table with a title along the lines of “I’m Gay!’ What To Do When Your Child Comes Out – A Guide for Christians.”
At this point, it still hadn’t occurred to me what my mom was thinking. I knew I was in a heterosexual relationship, and so was my sister, so I found this to be an odd choice for a bit of light reading. It wasn’t until I flipped open the book and discovered passages highlighted and notes scribbled in the margin – notes with MY NAME – that it clicked.
I’m a lesbian!
Well, my mom thinks so, anyway.
From what I gathered from the notes, my mom was beginning to make peace with her gay daughter. I figured before she started hanging the rainbow flags around the house, I should clarify the issue. When she came home from work that evening, I told her we needed to have a talk. I saw the panic rise in her eyes – she was clearly not prepared for my coming out. I started laughing. A lot. The situation was pretty hilarious from my end, after all. She, however, was not amused. But before she could speak, I headed her off:
“Mom, there’s someone I want you to meet.”
As she had known Brandy for 4 years, I was obviously not trying to tell her what she thought I was, so, confused, she accepted the dinner invitation.
The three of us had a lovely dinner, and she was surprisingly accepting of the age difference.
Moral of the story: Sometimes, your parents will be pleased to discover you’re dating a dick.
And Mom, as you read this, don’t forget…
Update:
Love you too, Miss Mary.
Jay Rowsey says:
Cheryl-
It’s been a while since I last literally couldn’t stop laughing out loud at a blog post. This has got to be one of the funniest stories that I have ever heard!!!
Feb 21, 2011, 5:03 pmCheryl says:
Jay – ahhh thank you! I’m so glad you enjoyed it, it’s one of my favorite stories to tell
Feb 21, 2011, 5:04 pmThe Naked Redhead says:
I have a similar, much less funny story. My poor parents…it was too much to comprehend that I’d want a divorce simply because I wasn’t in love with my husband. There had to be…a REASON. (Namely, that I liked ladies.).
OK, that is sort of funny…
Feb 21, 2011, 5:18 pmCheryl says:
Damnit, you don’t like ladies? I was hoping we could be naked redheads together…
Feb 21, 2011, 5:23 pmJay Rowsey says:
Naked Red Head – were they disappointed to find out the truth?
Feb 21, 2011, 5:31 pmThe Naked Redhead says:
Cheryl–Yes, sorry, I do still like the menz.
Feb 21, 2011, 5:35 pmJay–I think in a way, yes, they were disappointed, mostly because at least being a lesbian would be a more black and white reason for my decision. Ha, oh well.
candace m. says:
bahahahahahahahaha!!!
my mom used to jokingly introduce me as her son, candace. i think she still thinks i’m a lesbian…
Feb 21, 2011, 5:36 pmCheryl says:
Candace – Hilarious. You’re my favorite son/lesbian
Feb 21, 2011, 5:38 pmKristen says:
hahaha this one is too much. and so mom. with the notes in the margin indicating that it was “cheryl” hahahahaha omg i wish i was as good at recalling stories and i would tell about the time mom went nyquil trippin (not as poetic as robotrippin)
Feb 21, 2011, 8:54 pmCheryl says:
The Nyquil story is coming, Kristen. Oh it’s coming.
Feb 21, 2011, 9:03 pmClaire Wagner says:
Not just funny, but sweet. I wish every mom could try as hard to accept her kid. Still, I bet she is extra happy you are engaged!
Feb 21, 2011, 1:51 amCheryl says:
Claire – haha, I think you’re right
Thanks for the comment!
Feb 21, 2011, 2:04 amKaren says:
LOL I followed this link on twitter and it’s actually my first time at this blog. I’m totally becoming a follower, your style is hilarious.
Feb 21, 2011, 2:53 amCheryl says:
Karen – thank you
Glad you enjoyed
Feb 21, 2011, 2:55 amRobin Gerhart says:
Priceless! Saw this while I was out of town and looked it up when I got home today!
Feb 21, 2011, 3:11 amAnnie says:
Unfortunately, as a gay daughter, I didn’t find your story funny…and I couldn’t help feeling a little jealous of anyone who did. My mum would be so relieved to know I was dating a man, no matter how old he is! She is doing her best to ‘accept’ me, but she is very hurt and disappointed.
All I’m saying is: you straight people are lucky, I hope you realize that
Feb 21, 2011, 6:36 pmCheryl says:
Annie – I definitely empathize. Honestly, I do not think my mom would have accepted it. Her religion keeps her pretty closed minded.
Feb 21, 2011, 6:39 pm