beingCheryl

i am a good idea.

The Time My Mom Thought I Was a Lesbian

When I was 17, I started dating a guy who had just turned 25.

I know, I know, but stick with me.

We first saw each other from across a coffee shop in a disgustingly adorable Zach Braf movie kinda way. We spent hours chatting about books and politics and art. What we did not discuss was each other’s age. I introduced myself as a freshman in college, and he assumed I was about 19. I knew he was out of school, and I assumed he was about 22. We were both quite smitten before we discovered our respective fallacies, so by that point it didn’t phase either of us.

I didn’t think my mother would feel quite as unphased.

See, a few years prior I had been 13 dating a fella who was 18, as you might recall from a 3 Things episode. Again, I know. Sorry. So since she had been less than accepting of the age difference in that instance, I assumed the same judgment would be applied to this situation. And once again, I entered into a “secret” relationship. When he and I would go out, I would advise her that I was going out with my friend Brandy. I would spend holidays “with Brandy.” Entire weekends “with Brandy.”

After a few months spending all my free time “with Brandy,” my mom reached the conclusion that I was actually WITH Brandy.

My assumption of my mom’s perception of my relationship with Brandy:
best-friends

My mom’s perception of my relationship with Brandy:
lesbians

See, my mom is a very loving, compassionate and accepting person – but homosexuality falls outside of the bounds of her religious beliefs. So when she “discovered” that her own daughter was “in a gay relationship,” she wasn’t sure how to address it.

But I didn’t know that this internal struggle was going on inside my poor mom’s mind for a while. I was too busy “spending time with Brandy” to pay attention. One day, I went into my mom’s room to borrow some perfume and spotted a book under her bedside table with a title along the lines of “I’m Gay!’ What To Do When Your Child Comes Out – A Guide for Christians.”

At this point, it still hadn’t occurred to me what my mom was thinking. I knew I was in a heterosexual relationship, and so was my sister, so I found this to be an odd choice for a bit of light reading. It wasn’t until I flipped open the book and discovered passages highlighted and notes scribbled in the margin – notes with MY NAME – that it clicked.

I’m a lesbian!

Well, my mom thinks so, anyway.

From what I gathered from the notes, my mom was beginning to make peace with her gay daughter. I figured before she started hanging the rainbow flags around the house, I should clarify the issue. When she came home from work that evening, I told her we needed to have a talk. I saw the panic rise in her eyes – she was clearly not prepared for my coming out. I started laughing. A lot. The situation was pretty hilarious from my end, after all. She, however, was not amused. But before she could speak, I headed her off:

“Mom, there’s someone I want you to meet.”

As she had known Brandy for 4 years, I was obviously not trying to tell her what she thought I was, so, confused, she accepted the dinner invitation.

The three of us had a lovely dinner, and she was surprisingly accepting of the age difference.

Moral of the story: Sometimes, your parents will be pleased to discover you’re dating a dick.

And mom, as you read this, don’t forget…
evidence

Update:
picture-3

Love you too, Miss Mary.

19 Responses to “The Time My Mom Thought I Was a Lesbian”

  1. Jay Rowsey says:

    Cheryl-

    It’s been a while since I last literally couldn’t stop laughing out loud at a blog post. This has got to be one of the funniest stories that I have ever heard!!!

  2. Cheryl says:

    Jay – ahhh thank you! I’m so glad you enjoyed it, it’s one of my favorite stories to tell :)

  3. I have a similar, much less funny story. My poor parents…it was too much to comprehend that I’d want a divorce simply because I wasn’t in love with my husband. There had to be…a REASON. (Namely, that I liked ladies.).

    OK, that is sort of funny…

  4. Cheryl says:

    Damnit, you don’t like ladies? I was hoping we could be naked redheads together… :)

  5. Jay Rowsey says:

    Naked Red Head – were they disappointed to find out the truth? :-)

  6. Cheryl–Yes, sorry, I do still like the menz.
    Jay–I think in a way, yes, they were disappointed, mostly because at least being a lesbian would be a more black and white reason for my decision. Ha, oh well.

  7. candace m. says:

    bahahahahahahahaha!!!

    my mom used to jokingly introduce me as her son, candace. i think she still thinks i’m a lesbian…

  8. Cheryl says:

    Candace – Hilarious. You’re my favorite son/lesbian :)

  9. Kristen says:

    hahaha this one is too much. and so mom. with the notes in the margin indicating that it was “cheryl” hahahahaha omg i wish i was as good at recalling stories and i would tell about the time mom went nyquil trippin (not as poetic as robotrippin)

  10. Cheryl says:

    The Nyquil story is coming, Kristen. Oh it’s coming. :)

  11. Not just funny, but sweet. I wish every mom could try as hard to accept her kid. Still, I bet she is extra happy you are engaged!

  12. Cheryl says:

    Claire – haha, I think you’re right :) Thanks for the comment!

  13. Karen says:

    LOL I followed this link on twitter and it’s actually my first time at this blog. I’m totally becoming a follower, your style is hilarious.

  14. Cheryl says:

    Karen – thank you :) Glad you enjoyed

  15. Priceless! Saw this while I was out of town and looked it up when I got home today!

  16. Annie says:

    Unfortunately, as a gay daughter, I didn’t find your story funny…and I couldn’t help feeling a little jealous of anyone who did. My mum would be so relieved to know I was dating a man, no matter how old he is! She is doing her best to ‘accept’ me, but she is very hurt and disappointed.

    All I’m saying is: you straight people are lucky, I hope you realize that :)

  17. Cheryl says:

    Annie – I definitely empathize. Honestly, I do not think my mom would have accepted it. Her religion keeps her pretty closed minded.

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  19. Jen Kucsak says:

    Haha, love this! I love your blog too! :) you should check out mine
    http://www.mymomthinksimalesbian.com/

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