For roughly the past three years, I’ve been constantly exhausted, despite sleeping 8-9 hours every night and taking (necessary, see: exhausted) mid-day naps. Exercising or not, eating healthy or shit, drinking or not drinking… no matter what I did, I felt like shit every single day when I had to get out of bed.

If you saw me over that time period and I was smiling and alert, I’d probably just had six cups of coffee… and I was probably still faking it.

It turns out I was constantly exhausted because I stop breathing twelve times an hour in my sleep which is a fucking terrifying thing to have someone tell you.

The process of diagnosing this fun condition – which I call “annoying” but doctors call “Sleep Apnea” (and ceasing to breathe twelve times an hour is only considered “mild” sleep apnea, by the way) – involves being wired up from head to toe while you fail to sleep in an uncomfortable hospital bad while someone in another room watches you on video cameras and listens to you snore through a microphone and yells at you through an intercom if you try to turn over on your stomach I’m sorry Jennifer geez.

After you go through that on TWO SEPARATE occasions – taking hour-long showers each time to remove the gunk they use to glue censors to your scalp – you get prescribed a CPAP machine, which may keep you breathing but also ensures the cessation of spontaneous nighttime sexual activity for the rest of your life.

Yep, so now I get to sleep with that thing on my face every night, which I have nicknamed “The Facehugger” because I like to give myself recurring Alien nightmares.

After the first 2-3 nights… it honestly stopped bothering me. And I started waking up feeling like I had actually slept, for which I will take a Facehugger any day.

If you’re constantly sleepy and have ever been told you snore, I really recommend scheduling a sleep study, because the short-term benefits of getting rest are great, but the longer you put off treating it, the more you put yourself at risk for diabetes and heart disease.

OK, that’s your PSA of the day. Your regularly scheduled dick jokes will now resume.

Seriously though, this is kind of embarrassing and I know how fucking ridiculous it makes me look, but if I can persuade someone to take steps to care of themselves, it’s worth sharing. If you have any questions about sleep studies or using a CPAP machine, leave them in the comments and I’ll answer what I can.